Protect and provide for your daughter in a way that will help her reach her highest potential.

—

By Anea Bogue

On a recent speaking tour in Hong Kong I was thrilled to see the number of fathers in the audience, who were present and eager to better understand and support their daughters. The truth is that the importance of a father’s role in shaping his daughter’s self-esteem is often underestimated.

Some dads are less involved than they could be because they underestimate the important influence they have on their daughter’s development. Others really want to be involved but feel unclear about how to be an effective parent to a girl, especially when she moves beyond the age of 9 or 10. Unlike moms, fathers don’t have their own first-hand experience of the complexities and intensities of girlhood (especially teen girlhood) to fall back on.

Consequently, many fathers find themselves somewhere between flailing and paralyzed in spite of having the best intentions and a genuine desire to participate in raising a daughter who is strong, self-reliant and resilient.

My new book, 9 Ways We’re Screwing Up Our Girls and How We Can Stop, has an entire chapter dedicated to dads because the fact is, a father plays a fundamentally important role in shaping his daughter’s sense of self-value. This makes it essential that he knows just what to do from her first breath right on through the challenging teen years.

Here are 9 ways to get started:

1. Let her know she is unconditionally loved.

Studies confirm that a girl’s self-esteem is directly impacted by her experience of unconditional love and affirmation from her father. Not a day should pass without her knowing, through word and action, that you love and appreciate her. It is always okay to tell her she’s beautiful but at least as much of the time, she needs to hear that you value who she is on the inside and that you support her desire and ability to discover her wonderfully unique self.

2. Avoid ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ parenting.

One of the most common mistakes I see fathers make (in spite of really good intentions) is treating their daughters like perpetually helpless little girls. Treating her as a damsel in distress will hinder her ability to know she can protect and provide for herself.

If you want your daughter to view herself as strong, self-reliant and resilient, it is essential that you show her that you view her this way. Encourage her to practice using her voice, make decisions and act as the captain of her own ship, every chance you get.

3. On that note…teach her to be a problem solver rather than solving problems for her.

When she faces a problem, take the time to help her name the problem and/or identify the source and then find and implement solutions. When she’s little, this might be as simple as helping her put a toy back together instead of just doing it yourself and then handing it back.

As she gets older, you can teach her the same steps as they apply to everything from math problems to relationship challenges to changing a tire. Celebrate her accomplishments and the opportunity to learn from her ‘failures.’

Knowing she can find a way to overcome life’s obstacles is the key to building a strong sense of empowerment that she will take into adulthood.

4. Break gender stereotypes.

Gender stereotypes can limit the breadth of your daughter’s dreams and development. If you want her to believe she can be anything she desires to be, from professional athlete to astronaut; stay-at-home-mom to scientist, she must know the power of choice and be able to recognize the unnecessary limitations of socialized gender roles.

Whether you take her to work with you, teach her how to cut the grass, make sure you lend a hand with housework, or ensure that she is exposed to female role models who have broken gender stereotypes, these small steps will translate to huge potential in her future endeavors.

5. Model respect for and equality with women.

The way you speak about and to women, and particularly the way she sees you interact with her mother, will directly impact your daughter’s sense of herself as a woman and how she should expect to be treated by men. If you want her to believe she deserves respect from her male counterparts and know that she holds equal value to them, model these realities for her every chance you get. Show her that respect and equality between men and women must be the norm and not the exception. Note: This applies even if you and her mother are no longer together.

6. Cultivate open, non-judgmental lines of communication.

You may have to work a little harder at this one as she enters adolescence but your ability to communicate with your daughter is essential at every age. Often it’s the car rides and dinner table conversations that are the most non-threatening and therefore, most genuine conversations we can have with our children.

Seize these opportunities to learn about her passions, who she is spending time with and what really ‘irks’ her. Most importantly, keep your ego and your over-protective Dad stuff out of the conversation – if she feels you are going to be over-reactive or over-protective, she’ll stop sharing with you, and you don’t want that.

7. Set the bar high.

We all tend to find comfort in familiarity. If what she knows is a man with integrity, warmth, courage and humility, this is what she will ultimately tend to seek in her relationships with the opposite sex, be they friends, colleagues or romantic partners.

8. Encourage her to be physically strong.

It does not serve your daughter to treat her like a delicate flower. Instead, guide your daughter to see the benefits of a strong body. Express your appreciation for women who are physically fit and healthy rather than model-thin.

It’s also valuable to encourage her to participate in sports, be honest with her about the dangers of the real world from which a strong body can help to protect herself and enroll her in a self-defense class. One of my favorites for girls and women is Impact Personal Safety, which has chapters all over the United States and beyond.

9. Remain consistently enrolled in Women 101.

From the moment you hear, ‘It’s a girl!’ start learning everything you can about the female mind, body and spirit. Your understanding of the wonderful and challenging complexities of being female will be your most important guide in becoming an exceptional father to your daughter.

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–Photo: cybertoad/Flickr

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Rev. Jim Rigby doesn’t accept your biblical interpretation. 

___

I saw your comments yesterday, but did not have the time or energy to enter into a conversation that will almost certainly be two ships passing in the night. I will share what I consider faulty in your arguments, but then I want to express my central concern at the end of this post.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say, “Thou shall not have an abortion.” The biblical case against abortion is extremely weak which is why opponents are reduced to using Psalms about God knowing us in the womb, or begging the question by presuming that every reference to murder is a condemnation of abortion as well.

“Telescoping” is the practice of projecting modern concepts onto ancient texts. So the opponents of Galileo were able to “prove” the earth does not orbit the sun treating ancient poems as if they were scientific. It is the same error to take poems not directly addressing abortion and using them as “proof.”

Another exhausting technique is called “dump trucking” which means to dump a bunch of scripture passages and force your opponent to refute them all. You listed a bunch of passages, but only three remotely approach the topic at hand -Psalm 139:13-16, Jeremiah 1:4-5 (saying God knows us in the womb) and Ex. 21:22-25)

You claimed that your opponents don’t care about scripture, but I have studied scripture my entire adult life in Greek and Hebrew which is why I can point out the emptiness of your argument. The idea that our souls enter the body at conception comes from Aristotle, not scripture. The word for “soul” or “spirit” means “breath” in Hebrew and the ancient Rabbi’s (before Greek influences) generally held that personhood begins at birth.

The two passages about God knowing us in the womb say nothing about the question of when personhood begins. God also knows the chick in the egg, but that doesn’t make it a person. We misuse the text when we twist it out of context and claim it is making a scientific claim. This was the error of Galileo’s opponents.

Finally, you quoted Exodus 21:22-25 which seems to make your case, but the text can be read in different ways. The NRSV quotes the passage in a way that sounds to say the fetus does not have personhood status. In that translation, injuring a woman should be punished by an eye for an eye, but inducing a miscarriage should be punished by a fine.

“22 When people who are fighting injure a pregnant woman so that there is a miscarriage, and yet no further harm follows, the one responsible shall be fined what the woman’s husband demands, paying as much as the judges determine. 23 If any harm follows, then you shall give life for life, 24 eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, 25 burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.”

If you look at the rest of the chapter it talks about slaves and women as property. I may love scripture, but I don’t want to bring that horror back to life in modern jurisprudence. There is much in the Bible that would be abhorrent if applied today.

So my three concerns can be summarized as follows: I do not accept your biblical interpretation, I do not accept your claim to be judge of other peoples’ lives, and I don’t want to live in the theocracy for which you advocate.

This article originally appeared on Jim Rigby’s Blog.

Photo credit: George Redgrave/flickr

The post To The Man Who Wrote Pro-Life Comments Citing the Bible On My Facebook Wall appeared first on The Good Men Project.

Last month we explored five things that make a good partner, including loving yourself and understanding the true meaning of 50/50. This month we asked two different relationship experts to share their insights.

“Many people believe that a good partner is someone who gives unconditionally and makes the relationship all about them,” said Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples, premarital and newlywed counseling.

However, a partner who’s too giving and too focused on pleasing their partner lacks a sense of self, which isn’t healthy, she said.

Good partners have different opinions, needs and preferences. And they work on striking a balance in their relationship. “Sometimes it will be about you, sometimes it will be about them, and often it will be all about the two of you.”

A similar misconception is that partners must compromise their own feelings or beliefs in order to support their partner, said Lisa Snipper, a licensed clinical social worker and trained Imago relationship and trauma therapist who works with couples. This only leads to anger, resentment and unhealthy communication, she said.

Instead, it’s important to discuss your views and differences — without your partner judging you. “Being in a relationship where differences are acknowledged, honored and respected creates a positive attitude … and allows for differences in opinions and respect toward [each] other,” she said.

It’s also important for couples to realize that their partner’s differing perspective isn’t a personal attack. Rather it’s “more than likely a result of how they were raised, what they believe to be important and how they can teach one another.”

Here are five things that do make a good partner.

1. A good partner knows him- or herself.

Knowing yourself means knowing who you are and what you want out of a relationship. “A person who does not know what they want or need may expect their partner to just ‘take care of things’ or ‘just make them happy,’ but then there is always a moving target and the person trying to please you is confused and frustrated,” Hansen said.

You have to know what you want in order to feel satisfied in a relationship, she said.

Knowing yourself also means knowing your contribution to your relationship. You’re able to recognize the effect of your struggles on your relationship, accept responsibility and be open to talking about it and getting feedback, said Snipper, owner of a group practice in Reston, Va.

For instance, one partner is having a hard time at work and starts picking fights and ignoring their partner, she said. They’re able to turn inward and realize they’re taking their frustrations out on their partner. So they apologize and ask for support, she said.

2. A good partner communicates their needs.

Many people expect their partners to know what they want. But your partner won’t know unless you ask them clearly and directly.

For instance, you realize that you need more physical contact, so you ask your partner to be closer more often, Hansen said. You realize you need to vent, so you ask your partner to listen to you instead of suggesting a solution to your problem.

3. A good partner provides emotional safety.

A good partner helps their partner feel at ease so they can be themselves, Snipper said. “This provides an opportunity for each partner to experience unconditional love from the other, where by each person has the support necessary to be vulnerable, let their guard down, show their ‘flaws’ and still feel loved and supported by the other.”

4. A good partner is interested in their partner.

Being interested in your partner helps them feel valued and builds your bond. For instance, ask meaningful questions about everything from how their work meeting went to what helps them feel loved, Hansen said. Ask about their needs, hopes and dreams and childhood.

“The more engaged you are with your partner, the more satisfied they will feel in the relationship and the more engaged they’ll be with you,” she said.

5. A good partner recognizes their role in disagreements.

“When working with couples, nothing seems more frustrating to a partner than having a partner who cannot acknowledge their role in the argument,” Hansen said. This doesn’t mean taking responsibility for the entire fight. It means recognizing your contribution, she said.

For instance, maybe you picked a bad time to discuss an important issue, disregarded your partner’s feelings or lost your temper, she said.

According to Hansen, many people spend more time looking for a good partner than they do pondering how they can become a good partner. She suggested taking the time to consider who you want to be in a relationship, and to practice those behaviors in other relationships — with friends, family and coworkers.

“As you grow into the person you want to become in a relationship, you’ll find that healthy romantic relationships are easier to come by.”

If you’re already in a relationship, avoid hoping or expecting your partner to change, Hansen said. Instead, consider how you can shift your relationship dynamics, become a better partner and practice these healthy behaviors, she said.

“[W]ith time, your partner will begin to shift as well.”

Lion Goodman discovers the key to understanding how women communicate and how men can learn to speak their language.

—

I was talking with my friend and colleague, John, about my relationship, and its challenges. I smiled and said, “Women’s emotional reactions have baffled men forever.”

With his typical wise and cosmic perspective, he smiled, and asked, “Would you like to understand feminine emotion?”

What? Someone who actually understands women’s emotions? And can explain them? I said. “Lay it on me, Bro!”

A few minutes into his discourse, I stopped him to get a tape recorder. I knew I had to share this information with other men. We really need to learn about this major difference between men and women. It will save us SO much trouble. If it enlightens you, please share it with all the men you know.

◊♦◊

John spoke of “the feminine” and “the masculine,” but it’s easier to write about the genders – men and women – than those two cosmic principles. Please translate my language from “men” to “masculine” and “women” to “feminine.” We all have both within us.

John began: “There are many differences between men and women, including brain design and function, the way they feel and know the world, and different beliefs indoctrinated into them by their families and culture. I’m going to focus first on how women process emotions, and how that gives them a different experience of the world.

“Women have a much better memory than men, especially when there’s an emotional component. Women attach their memories to their emotions – and also to their defense mechanisms. Your woman has specific memories of you. She remembers who you have been, and everything you’ve done in the past. She still reacts to those memories, and she operates, and makes decisions, based on her memories of who you were a year ago, and three years ago, and five years ago.

“If you hurt her feelings last year by acting in a particular way, or if you said something unkind, that pain still lives in her. She feels the possibility that you could do it again – even if you’ve changed significantly since that time. If you ever act like her absent father, or her mean brother, or her careless first boyfriend, she sees that you have the same potential to hurt her as they did.

“Her decisions and reactions are based on all of those memories – including her subconscious ones – as if you were those people, unchanged, today. I know this seems like a problem. But it’s just feminine nature. It’s a very strong influence on her feelings and her reactions.

“Here’s another thing: most women don’t differentiate by time when it comes to emotions – their emotions are all tied together across time. They re-experience their previous emotions as if they were all happening now – and this can be quite intense.

If a situation today is at all similar (in any way) to what happened in the past, then emotionally, this situation equals that situation. In computers, this is called ‘fuzzy logic.’ In the brain, it’s called ‘the cortex’s associative matrix.’

◊♦◊

“Men process emotions and emotional memory very differently. It’s not better – just different. Men don’t carry a gestalt that combines incidents-plus-feelings-plus-people-plus-consequences that women live with all the time. When a man experiences something emotional, it’s simply related to the facts of the matter at the moment. He will typically look for a direction he can move things, or a structure he can correct, in order to get past it.

Men see events as discrete from each other (even if they’re not). Women correlate their feelings to the structure and evolution of the relationship, and they project it forward into the future of the relationship, and it’s expected development. Men interpret things simply. They look to see whether they feel good at the moment, and whether their woman is happy at the moment.

“Women experience events as a huge set of related constructs and dominoes that all correlate across time. ‘If he did this and that, it means this and this, and that. And that’s going to mean this… and this means that could happen, and because of what happened ten years ago, it’s going to mean that, too. And then we’re going to have children, and they’re going to grow up and be like this because of that, and then my friends will think this about it, and they’ll react in that way, and my God, then what will happen?’

“This kind of thinking and speaking is totally baffling to men. A man’s thought process is more linear: this, then this, then this, then that. Women experience everything multidimensionally (which makes them good at multitasking).

From a woman’s point of view, the way women process information and feelings makes perfect sense. To men, it’s like an alien language. These processes are just very different from each other. They have the potential of being complementary and supportive of each other, which starts with understanding.

“When it comes to information about relationships, women can run rings around most men. They understand thousands of facets and dimensions of relationships, and consider them all at the same time, including all the nuances of personal and interpersonal relationships, expectations of social and interpersonal decorum, etc. And this ability is built right into their energetic DNA. It’s the world they live in.”

◊♦◊

I listen, stunned, my head swimming, trying to comprehend all that John was saying. The best I could do was to say, “So emotionally, we’re completely outgunned and outclassed, right?”

He laughs. “No, not at all. However, these differences must be understood and accepted. Otherwise, when a man attempts to communicate with a woman on an emotionally-loaded issue, he’s likely to be overwhelmed by the woman’s rapid-fire communication. He’ll go into information overload. She’s going to say, ‘What about this, and this, and this, and this?’ He won’t be able to deal with all of those complexities, because he can’t process all of the emotional dimensions as quickly as she can rattle them off.

“He’s going to think she’s being defensive, or that she’s talking gibberish, or she’s adding extraneous information. As a result, he might get angry and frustrated, or try to shut down the conversation. All she’s doing is communicating her emotional reality. She’s living it from moment to moment, and she assumes that it’s all vital information he needs to know. She’s trying to deal with what she sees as his lack of understanding of the emotional reality of the situation. She wants to establish a clear, trustworthy and shared understanding of the situation that they can both work from and negotiate from.

“It’s how she understands the world, and how she makes decisions, moment by moment. It’s how she takes care of her own well-being, self-esteem, and her own place in society. It’s how she cares for and manages all of her relationships.

“This is why men appear emotionally unavailable to women, and why they appear to be less emotionally involved in the relationship. He doesn’t have the ability to process her emotional communications. It’s one reason why men don’t listen more to women, and they appear to be living on different planets. Men can learn this language, but they have a hard time keeping up. There’s usually a time lag for him to get and understand her feelings.”

I manage to say, “I’ve heard that men know one thing at a time, and women know everything at once.”

“Sure,” he says. “Women process relationship information as a gestalt – a whole. Men process information one bit at a time. Without knowing it, women naturally communicate more emotional and relationship information than men can readily and constructively process.”

◊♦◊

My mind was reeling, but curious. I felt a bit overloaded – sort of like talking to my woman. I asked him to give me a specific example, hoping that it would pull my thoughts back together.

“Okay, let’s imagine a guy who’s pretty sensitive. He’s been thinking that he wants more sex with his partner. He knows it’s a touchy subject, so he spends some time thinking about how he’s going to bring up the topic. In the past, it usually hasn’t gone so well. So he finds her in a good mood one day, and he says, ‘You know, honey, I love making love with you. It’s so good when we do! We’re both really happy, and we feel that beautiful energy between us. I’d like us to create more of that feeling in our relationship. What can we do to bring more of it in?’

“What do you think happens next?”

“It can’t be good.” I say. “I don’t know of a good way to have that conversation.”

“Right,” he says. “It goes terribly. She gets incredibly hurt, and thinks of him as some kind of brutish jerk for being so insensitive. He gets completely confused. He thought it was a great way to bring up a difficult conversation. He was being kind and straightforward.

“But let’s look at how she interpreted what he said. She doesn’t hear the facts: that he loves her, that he’s longing for more of her, and he wants to bring more pleasure into their life together. That’s how a man would hear it – as discrete facts.”

Based on my years of experience with women, I offer a guess: “She probably interprets it as, ‘I’m not good enough for you.’”

“Much more than that,” John says. “She has multiple interpretations all at once. She hears him saying: ‘There’s something wrong with you. You’re not satisfying me. You’ll never satisfy me. You’re not sexy. You’re not enough for me. I’ll never approve of you. You have to change in order to be worthy of my love and approval.’ And that’s just in the first few seconds.

“Then comes the second round. She thinks, ‘He doesn’t love me. I can’t please him. He’s destroying everything I’ve worked for in this relationship.’ She can’t even put most of this into words. There’s a core reaction happening at her depth, and she feels her world falling apart.

Then round three begins – her reaction to those thoughts: ‘You’re not seeing me as who I am — the source of love – and you’re not seeing everything I’ve done to show you how loving I am. After all the ways I’ve expressed my love to you over the years, you’re saying all that effort and love means nothing. You’re crushing my life. I might as well just give up, or die.’

“She feels the rug pulled out from under her most precious, loving emotions. Her intellect is off-line for all practical purposes. She can’t interpret what’s going on any other way. Her identity as a loving woman has been questioned, put on trial, and found wanting. It’s emotional death.

“You know that a person will do anything they can to avoid feeling those awful feelings. She’ll scream and fight, or collapse and cry, or dissociate, or withdraw, or call her girlfriends and talk about what a brute he was for saying that. And they’ll agree, because they can feel whatever she’s feeling, to its full depth and breadth.”

◊♦◊

I’m breathing slowly, consciously, trying to keep up with the emotional wonderland John is describing. At the same time, I realize that this is what I’ve been dealing with in my relationships with women my whole life. Something is beginning to dawn on me – but I’m not sure what.

“So what can a man do?” I ask, innocently. “Should we just shut up and listen, and not engage? Or just do our best, figuring we’re going to lose the emotional battle anyway? What do you suggest?”

John looks at me with a mixture of compassion and pity. I know he respects me as a good man – it’s just that I’m a natural-born emotional blockhead.

He replies, thoughtfully, “It’s possible for partners to understand their different needs, and work cooperatively to mutually satisfy all of them. The first step for the man is to really understand how differently women process emotional information.

“Before you share anything that could be emotional wounding, you need to imagine how your partner might perceive it. Imagine that you’re her, and project yourself into her female body. Feel what it will feel like for her to hear what you have to say. Feel the impact on her emotional body. Then spend time thinking about how you might be able to buffer the communication so your partner can receive it. It’s not easy, but it will save you a lot of processing time later. And it’s also a good idea to create a protective structure for those kinds of conversations. Have an objective third person there with you, such as a friend or therapist. Or specify rules of engagement in advance. Create structures for communication safety.

“Women really want to see the good in their men. They try hard to replace and over-write past memories of hurts and discomforts. Their complex emotional process is truly a miracle, an intuitive marvel. It’s what makes relationships possible, and beautiful, and improve over time. But when they get triggered, all those emotional memories can come up automatically. Once that process is engaged, there aren’t any easy alternatives.

“Men are not really designed to interact constructively with women’s triggered emotional processes. It’s possible for men to improve in this area, and it’s possible for women to heal their tendency to react in this way, but it takes some wisdom and finesse on both sides. The solution is for both men and women to proactively disassemble the non-helpful elements of their communication and emotional processes, and to constructively shift their communication system so that they no longer interact in ways that produce pain in the first place.”

◊♦◊

I consider the potential of all this new information, and say, “John, if you could develop a method to do that, you could win a Nobel prize, or get very rich.”

John laughs. “Yes, but most women see it differently. They see their process as a very empowering thing. It’s a defensive power tool in their relationship tool bag – a way for them to have leverage, defend themselves, and be validated. It serves them. In its positive form, it helps them remember, understand and manage all the various aspects of all their relationships.

“Our goal should be to become more conscious of the downsides on both sides of the equation, and also the positive aspects that enhance both people. Both men and women get themselves all tied up unnecessarily, and too often, they use it to blame the other person. It takes some work to become conscious, but it can be accomplished.

I said, “Okay, I now have a better understanding of women’s emotions. What can we do, as men, to start disassembling those non-helpful elements?”

Smiling, he said, “Ah… that will have to wait until you write the next article.”

Photo: Flickr/Morning Shadow

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After an easy day on bike, there is nothing I love more then munching down on some quality greens (and other great rainbow coloured goodness). This little concoction is one of my favourites. It tastes good. It looks good. And its great for you.

What’s in it?

Bunch of Roasted Kale, seasoned w/ cumin, salt and chilli flakes
1 Spiced Avocado
4 Fresh baby beetroots
4-5 Diced Sprigs of Spring Onion
1/4 Red Onion
1 Roma tomato
1 Small Yellow Capsicum

How to do it:

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees. Grab a bunch of fresh kale to your liking (keep in mind it will shrink when roasting) and chop or tear it into smaller pieces. Place onto a oven tray or baking dish. Season the kale with healthy bit of salt, cumin and chilli flakes and drizzle with some extra virgin olive oil. Mix the kale around the tray, blending in the seasoning and place into the oven for 15 – 20 mins (just keep an eye on it!).

Cut up your spring onion, red onion, roma tomato, beets and yellow capsicum and place to one side.

Then in a bowl, smash up your avocado with a fork and add some chilli powder and salt (if you don’t want the spice just don’t add the powder or just add the avocado as you normally would to a salad). Mix well.

Once the kale is done in the oven (it should be slightly crunchy), add that as the base of your plate.

Then spread the other ingredients on top and add a slight bit of olive oil to finish!

Good times. Quick, easy, healthy and tasty!

#foodspirationfriday #bicyclingnatives

We're all guilty. Every day from the moment we wake up, we live our lives caring what other people think of us.

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